The last time I’ve published an article on this website was January 28th, a return to “THE REAPER NIGHTMARE TOURNAMENT SERIES | 死神の悪夢トーナメントシリーズ“, which only TWO people showed up for. Despite that, I also tried my hand back at streaming, setting up sample VTuber videos and a variety of other things. However, I came to realize a lot of things over the last 3 months, which is why I have been missing-in-action. I guess however, the most important thing is that I am back and I have a greater mentality regarding things, primarily because I only know how to move forward, and even if I fail, I aim to fall in the same direction. It’s only a matter of time until you pick yourself up, but what you learn from falling is more important than the ground you’ve covered, because road block aren’t easy to overcome and how long you stay down depends on how strong your mind is.
Within my personal life, I’ve had to bare an unbelievable weight time-and-time again. I’ve shouldered the burden of taking care of my mom after my grandmother passed and she had a mental breakdown of it and simultaneously losing her job of 20 years. I also took care of my mentally challenged uncle while simultaneously putting my little sister through college. I lost my 20’s under the crushing weight of being the pillar of responsibility I felt I had to do. I am stronger than most, however, my mother was manipulative and abusive and my little sister was constantly on her side, which resulted in me being depressed for much of it. The person I turned to most happened to be my bestfriend, who is more so like a brother than a bestfriend, someone I’ve known since the 8th grade.
Lately, I’ve started to realize the world isn’t the kind of place I originally thought of. No one cares how much you do for them, and no one cares how supportive you are. No one cares how much you care, what matters more is whether-or-not they do. I’ve come to realize that people in general are cruel beings, with those being good more of a rarity than I’ve anticipated. I understand that no one is obligated to do something they do not want to do for another, nor to recognize someone else regardless of what they have done for them…but the decency of people being horrible is something I didn’t want to come to acknowledge as the norm until recently. Hell, even something as simple being overlooked for gaming
Calling into work fairly often, not doing much, not exercising as much, and often sitting within my chair for hours on end doing absolutely nothing. I’ve been extremely depressed, more so than I’d personally like to admit. However, what I am happy about is the fact that I cannot depend on others to get me out of this situation. NO ONE is saving me from this predictament.
I realize that life is the same way it is for me in fighting games usually. I like to do what I like, and I try to do my best to make sure it comes out the way I do. Whether it was playing Makoto in Street Fighter, Roy in Super Smash Bros. Melee, or my shell of Trunks/Beerus in Dragon Ball FighterZ. Hell, even so far back as Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3, people would call me “lucky” or say I win only because of my unorthodox style. I took this as an insult because it discredited the amount of work I put in and the amount of scheming it took to make my team work in order to compliment my own style, supplement my own weaknesses, and put me on even ground to those with stronger characters and greater skill than I did. Though, why does this matter?
In life, people will often tell you what is the “best” way to achieve something. People will discredit you and not pay attention to you, not give you the time of day simply because of factors you pick and they dislike, even if you’ve put in the hard work. Others will overlook you despite your contributions to them. My sister didn’t start to take my side until my mother started being toxic to her, others in gaming didn’t take my tactic serious until theirs failed, and others discredit my information and advice until they see the result I can have with it. Why are people like this?
Overall, I’m not looking for people to do anything for me. I’m not looking for people to do right by me, and I’m not looking for acknowledgement. I’m not looking for anyone or anything to give me my proper due or to even stick to their words or promises. Ultimately, I’ve come to the realization that people will do whatever they want, and sadly, do not care about my feelings and whether-or-not I’ve suffered or hurt because of their actions. No one is entitled to treat me fairly, regardless of what I’ve did for them. The amount of love, support, and eagerness to see someone succeed or the hand you play in their wellness boils down to whether-or-not they want to give it to you. I’ve cared entirely too much about others and their happiness and not about myself. At the end of the day, I’m the only one who can make myself happy, and I have to stop looking for proof of worth from others and stop thinking anyone wants to return that kindness.
I feel better letting things go and moving forward with a new mentality. I’m not going to stop being me. I’m not going to stop being goofy or laughing or being random and crazy, but I’m no longer going to look for people to take me into consideration when they make their decisions. Whether-or-not you are important to someone is their decision alone, and often they’ve already decided that after the first couple weeks of meeting someone.
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